What Miracles Bring

My hormones are raging and I’m so chemically imbalanced that this could and probably should be a new case study for specialists. So I figured I would just knock you guys up for a split second so we can all share these lovely feelings together. I’ll be your dam tour guide for fatness, food and funk in your first trimester.

First let’s start off with extreme-ness… and I do mean everything! irritates the hell out of me. Here is where patience becomes a virtue and you began to understand how much of it you really have, only because you start losing it over the simplest of things. I’ll give you an example; Me and IHOP was about to fight one night because they forgot about my pancakes (speaking of which, I would really love some right now) and they didn’t realize substitutions are a no-go. For some reason, people think that when you ask for Sprite and they don’t have it, they can simply substitute Sierra Mist as if I won’t notice. Really?! Why, why, why would you do that? Just simply tell me you have Pepsi products and not Coke products, or vice versa so that I can choose accordingly; because when dealing with something that you originally never had your preggo-mind set on, it’s like 20 times worst. I almost spit that substitution in the waiters face. Self control is not heard of when dealing with preggo taste buds… we taste every friggin thing, which means it’s 10 times better or 20 times worst than ever before. When it comes to food, pregnant women instantly pick up these scavenger characteristics. They’re on a man food-hunt for the best tasting food out there or either the food that will subside whatever cravings we have been having for so long. If a woman is able to subdue a craving, OMG, it’s like a food-gasm *sigh* But always remember that no matter what, all requests must be honored..

I hate to gross people out not really but I’m about to shed a whole new light on this beautiful miracle that everyone think is so awesome. You know how you see those medicine commercials and then they shoot that line at the very end really fast about the side effects. Yeah, let’s get to the fine print. I would absolutely love to be able to take a shit without having to practice a breathing technique. Yeah, I guess lamaze comes in handy for more than just helping to deliver a baby. Constipation starts from the very beginning and if you think that is something disgusting… Hell, we are just getting started! A fart can be deadly, literally. Preggo asses no longer have the muscles to lock and clinch tight when trying to hold one in, in public. I also highly suggest that you run for cover (yes from yourself and especially those in the line of fire) or invest in a gas mask. And this is only the first couple of weeks, or months. Trust me, everything gets worst with time.

Next, let’s try talking about how it feels like someone titty punched you all day, everyday. Yes! painful for no friggin’ reason whatsoever. And the swelling?! Your aeriolas can get so big that your tit will look like you have a bunch of nipples. So I’m exaggerating a little… lol! A preggo woman’s mindframe is exaggerated, but not intentionally. But honestly, them jugs usually gain more weight than what’s in your uterus. No exaggeration here. This part will really make women enjoy being apart of the itty bitty titty committee. I would love to be pregnant with no boobs, lol. Life would be so much easier.

Your hair grows 10 times faster than ever before. Good thing for what’s on your head, bad thing for everywhere else. Your shaving routine is no longer at a decent pace of every 5 days to a week. Now you are shaving every 2 to 3 days, maybe everyday. And let’s not fail to mention those that like to go brazilian (like me). Ok… let’s try with an example. Take a basketball and hold it at your waste/tuck it in your shirt for a better effect. Now… hop in the shower and try to bend over (with baketball in tact) to mow your lawn. Are you out of breathe? Did you catch a cramp in one of your obliques? Feel like you need to throw up? Yep! We have, now, achieved the fat person’s shaving routine. We will need to practice this daily, so get use to feeling like you’re continuously putting yourself into the full nelson.

Walk from your living room to the bedroom and it should feel like you just ran a marathon. Everything makes you gag/dry heave including just talking about something gross. There is no such thing as resting or taking a nap, you just simply pass out chocolate wasted style. *shaking head* So unladylike. Pissing is a never ending task and the beginner stages of pregnancy can have you looking like you have been bingeing on beers for the past couple months. People are going to continuously stare trying to figure out if that is really a beer belly or should they ask when are you due. And once you tell them, they are all in shock like they are just so use to you simply being fat. Sexting now consist of what’s on the menu for the 2 of you to eat together. Example…

Me: ummm bae, you know what I would love to get a taste of?

Him: what’s that? 😀 (smiley face of excitement attached like I’m referring to him)

Me: I would love some of those shrimp scampi frittas from Olive Garden and an order of lobster cannelloni with shrimp and a side of chicken and gnocchi soup. Um bae, doesn’t that sound good?

Him: oh… call in the order, I’ll be there in a few

Yeah, this post is nothing like real life and I still kept it professional. lol. On to round two.

Until next time bloggers…


3 thoughts on “What Miracles Bring

  1. Yes I again with going to the bathroom too. I’m like what the hell? LMAO

    Yes, so far he’s brought me everything I wanted. I still fall asleep when I dont want to. I get tired walking from my desk to the copier. LOL

    High Five…Pregnant buddies…only I’m in my second trimester.

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